Good Evening, and welcome to this week’s Friday Poem – which guarantees to bring a tear to your eye!
Although hollywood and the media would have us believe that the secret to true love lies in physical attraction, in truth we love those we love for who they are and what they do – not what they look like.
This poem tells the tale of why my good lady loves me.
And why I’ll never sing baritone again……
The Rib-Tickling Roller-Disco Restriction
It’s the little things they say, make the difference;
And friends I’m here to tell you that’s true.
When a loved one is sad, we don’t want them to feel bad
So there is nothing that we wouldn’t do.
Now we all have our own tricks and methods
To get our loved ones to laugh and/or smile.
It’s each to their own, in the privacy of your home,
After all – none of us are on trial.
Herein lies a tale of devotion
A tale of just what yours truly will do.
Of how the woman I cherish, almost saw parts of me perish
In my attempts to stop her feeling blue.
Now romance I can do by the hat full,
With plenty of comedy to boot
If my girl’s feeling down, to un-wrinkle her frown
I find a dance in my pants often suits.
I’ll admit that I’m not a great dancer –
I can’t do all those new fancy moves.
But I shuffle about, with the occasional pout
To show her I’m into the groove.
Our story begins late last winter
When the dark, dreary days bring you down.
The one I adored, looked so sad and so bored
And all she could do was frown.
So, one day we were out at a craft fair
Selling my lady’s bespoke, hand-made clothes.
It was one of those times, when the stars are aligned
And in my head I felt inspiration explode.
My lady was not feeling too cheery;
Stress at work, and exhaustion the cause.
She needed to grin, and I knew just the thing
To get her happiness back on course.
Across the hall, there happened to be a vendor,
Selling fabulous roller-disco hot-pants.
But not being a fool, I stayed nice and cool
Until the time came to take my chance.
My lady went to see to her ablutions;
At the far end of the hall were the loos.
As she went out of sight, I said to myself ‘right’
And I nipped across to have a peruse.
Well I must say, I was not disappointed
When the range of designs met my eyes.
I stood there agape, at the patterns and shapes
But I couldn’t make out any size.
And alas! There was no time for enquiry,
As I saw my lady start on her way back.
So quick as a flash, I parted with cash
And snatched a pair from the closest stack.
I got back to our table just in time
And resumed the façade of Mr cool.
My good lady said zip, but much later did quip
That she really is nobody’s fool.
Back home from the fair, we were tired;
We were happy, but dead on our feet.
I’d some energy reserved, because tonight she deserved
A tip-top hot-pant dancing treat!
Soon enough, bedtime was upon us
My lady settled herself in our bed.
So I grabbed the hot pants, and without backward glance
I diverted to the bathroom instead.
For the first time, I could see what I’d purchased;
They were festooned like the United States Flag.
There was red, blue and white, and the old stars and stripes
And I was proud of the choice I had grabbed.
In a flash, I had discarded half my clothing
A moment later, I wore nothing at all.
Thrilled at this chance, I stepped into the hot-pants
But to my horror found out they were small!
I stepped out again, and looked for a label
With which I meant to ascertain their size.
I found it – “girls age 8-10”; I checked it again
These damn things wouldn’t fit over my thighs!
I was stood there stark naked and frowning
In the bathroom with hot-pants in hand.
My brain whirled as thoughts sped, and a cold panic spread
Cos this definitely wasn’t what I had planned.
I looked down at the sequins and fake leather
And the colours of the Stars and Stripes.
With grim determination, and risking castration
I vowed I’d wear these hot-pants tonight.
My lady called out ‘you alright love?’
From my thoughts I awoke to a new dawn.
I knew this was it; these hot-pants had to fit
Though I might need to use a shoe-horn.
Steadfast, I began operations;
Up my legs the hot pants started to slide.
It was apparent very soon, that I would need much more room
So I stretched the waistband open wide.
With some effort, my thighs had been conquered
Though I was feeling a considerable pinch.
With a deep intake of breath, like facing battle or death,
The hot pants were raised inch by inch.
I heaved and I pulled to contain myself,
But I struggled to keep myself within.
Now I’m not one to boast, or claim I’ve got more than most,
But there was definitely no more room at the inn.
Determined, I was not to be beaten;
I could not fail my lady tonight.
So with clenched fists and teeth, I grabbed those star-spangled briefs
And wrenched upwards with all of my might.
For a moment, I was blinded by the agony;
semiconscious, I started to sway
As I slowly regained sight, by the bathroom mirror’s light
I saw my patriotic pelvic tourniquet.
As I swayed back and forth in discomfort
I noticed my legs had taken a purple-ish hue
Both above and below, there was no more blood flow
And my feet were also turning quite blue.
Nonetheless, I still had a job to do
I couldn’t quit now – it was too late to stop.
Plus I had to be quick, cos I was now feeling sick
And was worried about getting blood clots.
Earlier on when I thought through my performance
I imagined appearing with a strong, manly stride.
But now I could only just mince, and each move made me wince
Because I couldn’t stretch my legs very wide.
And that is how I appeared in the bedroom:
Severely constricted, and crushed in some parts.
But I forced out a grin, despite the pressure within
And I started to perform my dance.
It was not quite the spectacle I had hoped for,
And I would not earn any five-star reviews.
I still managed to pout, though I wanted to cry out
In the pain caused by my leg’s terrible bruise!
I must admit I probably did look a vision
Almost bent double, with bruised legs and blue feet.
I was sweating and pale, and on the verge of heart fail
But my woman had deserved this treat!
Well I’m pleased to say that I reached my objective,
Tears ran down my girl’s face as she laughed.
I felt really nice, unlike my satin lined vice
In which I had almost cut myself in half.
But my crown of world’s greatest partner
Was retained – and was never in doubt.
Then much to my relief, I was spared further grief
As from my hot-pants I was finally cut-out.
My lady was ever-so grateful,
And whispered ways she could show me so nice
But I couldn’t oblige, because I’d damaged my pride
And had to spend the next three days wrapped in ice!
There is a moral to this story,
So take heed; listen well; be prepared.
Do what you must do, for those dearest to you
But mind you don’t become physically impaired!!