Hello, and welcome to this week’s Friday poem.
As with many of my poems, this week’s offering is based on true events. I’ve recently started a new job within the same company that I worked for previously. This involves working across two sites and the events depicted in the poem you are about to read took place in the “other” site.
There’s not much else to say, except that I don’t do this stuff deliberately – it just happens!
Here is the poem – I hope you like it.
The Lamentable Lavatory Leakage
I’m sure that the fates work against me;
For my embarrassment and thwarting they conspire.
Herein lies a tale, of how life made me fail
Their weapon of choice? A hand drier.
Our story begins quite normally:
I was working in our office in Poole.
It’s a building we share with other firms there
And subsequently had communal loos.
The facilities are nothing fantastic:
Two urinals, two cubicles, two sinks.
A hand-drier on the wall, above a shelf thin and small
Which appears to be pointless – I think.
So, I was sat at my desk duly working
When unmistakably I heard nature’s call.
I nipped to the loo, and chose urinal number two
Because you don’t go for a pee in a stall.
Nature’s call was duly answered;
Once finished everything was tucked back inside.
But I was mistaken, having not properly shaken
And discovered that I’d pissed on my strides.
I looked at my trousers in horror
And – in the worst possible place – the damp patch
I could be in no doubt – I needed to dry out
So I searched for a plan I could hatch.
Immediately I spied the hand drier
Sat in glory above the small shelf.
With my damp patch of wee, halfway between my crotch and left knee
I approached to start drying myself.
It was now that I heard the fates laughing
And felt the grip of my icy cold fear.
I had not considered to think, that because of the sinks
To the hand-dried I couldn’t get near.
I could not stand directly before the hand-drier
Or get my dampness anywhere near the hot air
It was too high up the wall – I’m not that bloody tall
And I smelled the urine soaked whiff of despair.
Desperate times call for desperate measures;
Facing the abyss, I teetered on the brink.
At some risk to myself, I put my left leg on the shelf
And tried to kneel best I could on the sink.
This move was only partially successful,
But I could not taste victory yet.
I clung to the mirror and wall, for fear I might fall
So I could not adjust the driers directional jet.
Plus, I looked like I was humping the drier
Groin pressed against it, with both my legs splayed
To be found here like this, would be taking the piss
And I just wouldn’t know what to say.
I climbed down again, damp and smelly
Trying to work out just what to do next.
In that small tacky loo, there was nothing else to do:
So I purposefully whipped of my keks.
I stood there in my pants and without dignity
In odd socks with my trousers in hand.
At the start of my day, I certainly must say
That this situation wasn’t what I had planned.
But this was not the time to have hindsight
With the damp patch in position, I turned the drier on
I muttered and cursed that my day could not get any worse
Which is when Fate chose to prove me wrong.
At that moment, the bathroom door opened
And in walked not one man – but three
Who saw me at the drier in only four fifths of my attire
And a noticeable smell of wee.
To be honest I can’t say what next transpired;
I got dressed; and those men went elsewhere.
My work carried on, with the damp patch now gone
Though I did feel that everyone stared.
As always, there are lessons to be learned here:
Less haste more speed, is a phrase I recall
Plus, between you and me, when I now need a wee
To be safe I always sit in a stall!!
If you like this poem, You might also be interested to know that my book, ‘The Friday Poems – Volume One’ is now available to buy. This book contains all the Friday poems posted on my blog in 2017. You can get it from Amazon.com, wherever you are – in the UK from Amazon.co.uk in paperback by clicking here: http://amzn.eu/2tOvhA6 , or for Kindle by clicking here: http://amzn.eu/hbDIMdU.
The Friday Poems Volume Two will be available to buy soon – it’s launched in early January 2019 so watch this space for more details!!
You can also find W is for Duck on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter – feel free to drop by and say hi, and give me your feedback on my poems. Love them, or hate them – I want to know!
Don’t forget that I offer a bespoke poem writing service – you can see examples of poems I have been commissioned to write on the ‘Poetry Commissions’ page of this blog. If you would like to find out more about how to commission a poem for someone, use the contact form on the ‘Home/About Me’ page