Buff Don’t Float.

Hello and welcome to my blog.

 

Well, I went back to swimming today after a two week break – and I made real progress!

My teachers name is Kate. I have had that confirmed and verified by the fact that another person in my class, referred to her as Kate in a conversation. So that’s a relief – no more calling her  ‘Miss’, or ‘Swim-lady’, ‘teacher’ or avoiding conversation altogether. I can now speak to her with confidence about how rubbish my swimming is.

As the eagle-eyed amongst you will have noticed already, I was not alone in my lesson this week. I had two new classmates – one of which is a friend of mine and my fiancée’s and one of a group of friends who hang out semi regularly. Well, my fiancée and I hang out semi-regularly with them – for all I know, the rest of them could be meeting twice a week and keeping us on the fringes of their collective social calendar. Anyway, “Ed” as I shall call him (for that is his name) was a familiar face to me, but the other member of our class – a lady – was less well known. I recognised her face, and was certain of her last name, but her first name was unknown. I wanted to call her “Jo” for some reason – but didn’t dare do so to her face.

Maybe the whole ‘not knowing a name’ stuff, is subconsciously linked to women? I’ll discuss it with my Fiancée, “whatshername” after I write this blog post.

So the lesson got underway, and because of the two ‘newbies’ Kate started right from the beginning, as she did with me five lessons ago. I didn’t mind this, as it allowed me to consolidate what I had learned already, but still practice my breathing technique (which is still rubbish). I spent a lot of time practicing my kicking in this lesson, which is why my legs were a bit achy afterwards.

I have also made a discovery as to the possible reasons for my difficulty in mastering the whole breathing thing; Kate, my teacher (that’s her name – I know it now), was observing me swim, and mentioned to my that when I swim, rather than being at the surface I am actually about 6 inches below the surface of the water – which would explain why, when I turn my head to breathe in, I often take in water rather than air. And the reason my swimming teacher (Kate) gave for my position in the water:

“You’re too muscular”

Now I’m not one to blow my own trumpet, but nor am I someone who would argue with someone who is clearly an expert in their field. The knowledge needed to be a swimming teacher is clearly more in depth than most other teachers, because people might die if a swimming teacher didn’t know their stuff. So I take what she said very seriously: my muscular frame is hampering my buoyancy (and could probable hamper Beyoncé given half a chance).

Putting it plainly: I’m buff – and buff don’t float.

In due course the lesson ended, and I went and got changed. As both me and “Ed” are male, we got changed in the same changing rooms – which caused a bit of awkwardness. I said earlier that Ed’s face was familiar to me – but his body isn’t. So as we were within talking distance of each other while we got changed, we had a little natter about stuff. While this was going on, however, I was also having an internal conversation with that part of my brain that really talks too much. The conversation went like this:

(Brain): You talking to Ed?

(Me): yes.

(Brain): I’ve never seen his body before.

(Me): It’s not important, I know Ed and I’m just talking to him.

(Brain): Yeah, but he’s naked.

(Me): Shut up, he’s just drying himself off after swimming.

(Brain): Look at his hairy chest.

(Me): No, I’m talking too – oh, Jeez I just looked at it. I think Ed noticed.

(Brain): I think he did – he thinks your weird.

(Me): Fuck off, he doesn’t. We’re just having a conversation.

(Brain): Don’t look where he is drying now.

(Me): I’m not going to! I’m concentrating on his face or the ceiling, or the coat hooks behind him.,

(Brain): That’s a good idea – look anywhere but at him, that won’t appear weird at all….

(Me): Shut up! shut up! SHUT UP!!!

 

Apologies to Ed if he reads this. I’m sure next weeks swimming lesson won’t be as awkward…….